2003-09-12 Friday September 12th So... What about last week ? When I last updated it was last Friday and I was on my own at home.. guess what ? I still am. But that's ok, I didn't feel like going out or do anything tonight. I've been feeling weird all day, I don't know why. I'm sitting relaxed on the sofa, and suddenly I feel this huge pressure on my lungs, like you know, when you feel guilty or when you fear something? But I don't. It's been a few years now that I have these feelings. It comes and goes, whenever I least expect it, and I don't know what to do about that! Maybe it's just because I'M tired, or maybe it's because I just had my period, and it makes me feel all freaked out. I don't know why. I think I'm gonna start marking it on the calendar, so maybe I'm gonna find a pattern or something... I'm sure it's not that big a deal. The wierd thing is, when I feel like that, I sort of have this memory... I don't know if it's something I've experienced or something I dreamt about, but I see images in y mind, just like when you're daydreaming, expect that I don't feel well at all when I get these. I'm not even able to identify what are those images... Wow, some of you are really gonna think I'm a mental patient! I'm not, I can assure you. But I just don't understand what the problem could be. School hasn't been that bad this week. Annick went to see me again for the tresorer job, because she can't take it anymore. I'm supposed to meet her monday morning to show me how it works, and to confirm if I have the job or not. She really freaked out yesterday, she was crying in the caf�, poor thing. I felt so bad for her! I also signed up for the social committee of "Jeux du Commerce 2004". They are going to select the members in the next few weeks. So that means I'm gonna have to attend a ton of parties, stay up late on nights when I have classes at 8h30 the next morning, and I'm gonna have to make them notice me, if I want to make it. First party is a transvetite party. Yeah, I'm gonna have to dress like a men for that night! :S I'm gonna go shop for my costume this weekend because it's next tuesday. I hope I'll make it, it would be fun to participate in the games... I almost got the guts to ask PL his phone number today at school, but I changed my mind at last minute... The worst is: He was leading the way for it. We were chatting on MSN and he asked me twice what was I going to do this weekend. I should have asked him to do something! But I felt something in my stomach (SP?) saying "no". I don't know why. I felt like I didn't want to go out with him on a "date". When I left he said "have a nice weekend" and I just thought to myself: Yeah we won't see each other this weekend, again... I don't know if I'm gonna be able to ask him someday. He should ask it would be so easier! Oh listen to me; I'm sickening. We talked a lot today, I think he's starting to feel more confortable with me. He talked to me about personal things, that I'm not sure he's sharing with a lot of people. It's wasn't that Big of a deal, but anyway, I like him to feel that he can trust me. I'm finishing with this subject because I don't want to talk too much about it... I had a fight with Nic, monday before I left his house. It was bad and I think he's upset, a lot. I was a real bitch with him and I feel a little bad about it but not that much. Of course, I didn't believe all the things I said but I felt the need to say them. I felt the need to let him know, without really saying it, that I had someone else in mind and that maybe he couls lose me sooner than later. It would have been ok if I said it that way, but I didn't and I understand he's upset and don't feel like seeing me or talking to me much these days. But you know what ? That's ok by me.
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