2002-01-25 Arghhhhhh Nic is gone for the week end. He went to see his mother outside of town. He called me this afternoon and asked me if I had anything planned for the week end. And yes I had something planned, so he told me to have a nice week end... I wondered, if I hadn't had anything to do, would he asked me to come along? I'm depressed, and I really need to take some time off. I would like to go out of town, alone...where nobody could see me or talk to me. I told him that, and he asked: You don't wanna see me neither? You want us to stop seein each other? That could have been the best moment to say that: yes! I don't want to see him anymore because it hurts so much... But I said: No, it doesn't have anything to do with you. What a moron am I! Any way, he told me he would call me when he comes back. But he comes back sunday afternoon; I'm working. And after, he's playin deck hockey, and the best of all, he starts his new job monday morning at 8am! So I guess I won't see him sunday... Maybe if he'd ask me to go see him at the hockey game...I would...but I don't think he would. I hate myself sometimes, really!! Why did I fall in love with him all over again??? I was ok the two months we've been apart. I was doin fine! Now I'm sooooo screwed up, I can't even think right! I don't know what I want... I want to be his friend but also, I don't! ARGhhhhhh!!! What am I gonna do??? I know I need to understand what I really want, but its so hard, and I'm suffering so much! :(
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