2002-09-09 This sucks Crisis today with Nic. It all started when we were talking about living something else. He was teasing me like: "You know you want to meet someone new. It'll be easy for you, you're cute, smart, fun, etc." I told him that I couldn't meet someone because I'm not even able to be interested in someone. He asked me if I wanted to meet someone and I said yes, eventually I'd like to have a boyfriend. Since this relationship isn't going anywhere I was thinking to myself.... But I can't. You can't command these things!
Suddenly he stopped talking and started hugging me for a while. I think our conversation was bothering him a little... Great. In other words he wants to spend his life with me but now he wants to experience other things. He told me that he'd prefer to live things now than to be with a woman later and cheat on her because he hasn't experienced all he needed to. Ok, I understand that. But I also know that if we can't control our feelings now, we won't later. So if I or he meet someone. Someone better. Someone with whom it's gonna be perfect. Then, even if we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives it won't be possible because one of us is gonna be in love with somebody else. Does someone undertand me? Any way...Tonight they were showing My Best Friend's Wedding on tv. I was watching it and I realized: God, if I stay in this relationship with Nic and if I keep in mind that we're gonna end up together no matter what, I'm gonna end up crushed because he will be in love with some other girl, and I'll stay his best friend.... I don't want to be his best friend, but I don't want to stop seeing him completly neither. I know that love between us is complicated. I know that once we start seeing other people we probably won't come back together, but I can't help myself to think that yeah, we WILL be together. I just can't. I love him so much and I can't imagine beeing without him. He said this afternoon that he was gonna lose me to another guy, and I said to him that he'll always be a part of my life. And I mean it, I really do. Why is it gotta be so complicated? I keep thinking about that movie with Demi Moore and Robert Redford....what was the title again? Any way, in the movie she said something like: "If you love something set it free, if it comes back it's gonna be yours forever, if it don't it was never yours to begin with". It sounded better in the movie.... Finally at the end she and her husband come back together after being apart for a long while and it's really cute and romantic and all that crap.... Why can't my life be like a movie? I would know that no matter what, I would end up living with Nic happily, ever after... Bull shit! I'm being silly.... The fact is, I don't really know what to do....I don't even know what I want! If you can help me please do! I look at my friend Steph who said to her ex to stop calling her because she knew that it would end up in a relationship like mine, and she knew that it was gonna be too hard on her. Wow, she's tough. I can't do that! I could've do it a long time ago when Nic first call me back... In fact, I just remembered that I did ask him to stop talking to me when we broke up. That's how I was able to survive back then. But now, I feel like it's too late ( yeah I know It's never too late....) but I simply don't want to. I want him to be a part of my life!
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