2002-05-16 And then again Ok I'll try to continue what I was saying yesterday before the computer went crazy.... This week has been so long and I really can't wait till it's over. This week end is my prom. Woohoo finally graduating from college!! It's about time! But that is not why I wanted the week to end. First of all, I am really tired. Really tired. And I even don't know why, I mean I sleep normaly. Any way, I had an interesting talk with Nic the day before yesterday. I don't know exactly what to think about it... We spent the week end together as usual and we had a great time, as usual! Saturday night, we were preparing dinner and we began talking about our relationship, what we are to each other, what does it means... He asked me to move out in his town next semester and transfer University. He said that after university he would move in with me and he'll marry me! Argh! Woah I thought! Wait a minute, what is this thing about wedding again?I know that he was joking (or I think any way) But it sort of turned the conversation to the: Are we a couple or what? He said that to stay in this relationship, either I didn't know what I think about him or I love him. And I answered him that I didn't know what to think about that,in fact I don't know if I want us to be a couple. He told me that he didn't know either but that the situation would have to change someday. I agree, this can Not go on forever, we'll have to choose someday, but I realy don't feel the need to think about it now, I didn't.He called me tuesday (today is thursday) and he started talking about that again, but this time he sounded a lot different. He said that he missed me already and that he really likes me. He said that we need to start knowing each other again. He said that he wanted to know what I really think (he don't believe me when I say that I don't know). He asked me if I'd be jealous if he had a girlfriend....what a question! Obviously I would. Then he said that this only prove that I still have some feelings for him. Ok I admit it, I still do. It's not crime is it? I love him so what? I don't have to scream it on top of buildings. And the fact that I love him doesn't change the fact that I don't know if I want us to be a couple again. My head is telling me that NO it's not a good idea. He told me that I was missing the point: It's not because relationships habitually fails when two people start over, or because we don't live in the same city anymore that we shouldn't be together, I can't concentrated my thoughts on these reasons, I need to believe my heart and to go for it if I want to.He's right after all, but still, my head is telling my heart not to go there, not to let my guard down. My head is afraid my heart is gonna get hurt! Well then shut up stupid head! Your not my mother, you have no right to protect me, or to tell me what to do! Wow look at this I really sound like a completly disturbed person...But I know what will happen....for now anyway: My head will win. My heart will never win, unless my head is sure I won't get hurt. And that could only happen, if I'm not the one jumping head first into this. I know I would only be able to tell Nic the truth when I'll be sure that he loves me and that he will for a long time. But I know this is not happening soon....So that's what I was saying in the first place...why don't we just stay the way we are right now!? It's so simple!
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