2002-08-22 I don't understand myself I don't undertsand what is going on with me. I spent two weeks crying and wondering what it would be like when Nic come back from Florida, thinking how much I loved him and how much I don't want him to leave me... And now? I don't even feel like seeing him tomorrow...Well, I want to see him but not as much as I used to. I don't feel like doing things for him now. I'm so tired these days, I can't even focus on the screen. I had to change my resolution to 800x600 to actually see what I was writing.... I called Nic tonight and I had nothing special to say to him...I think he better do something nice for me soon or he's gonna lose me. Wow I sound really self centered! But since (I don't even remember when!) a really long time, I feel like I've been doing everything I can for him. I always give him all I can whether it's money, attention or anything else. I always tried to make him happy, to give him everything he wants...But now, I just don't feel like it. I really tired, and not just physically. Is it normal to feel like you need some vacation? I haven't stop working my butt off since January! Maybe it's the time Nic and I spent apart when he was away that made me realize a few things. I know he cares about me, but why can't he do something to prove it to me? I'm not asking too much, am I? I don't know.... I know that he went here for one night only after a 10 hour trip, just to see me...that was nice. I really appreciated that. I don't know why but even if he would buy me the moon, I feel like it wouldn't be enough...Maybe we just need to stop seeing each other. I don't know if I'm imaginating things but I feel like he's tired of this too... Maybe that's because I really need a good night of sleep. I've been having nightmares all week again. Last night I dreamt he got back with his old girlfriend, and I was his mistress! Maybe I need a shrink...I don't think it's a good thing to have those nightmares all the time. I'm about to go crazy... Everything was fine in the beginning of the week! Argh I can't even find the words to express myself! I'm supposed to call him back at 10pm it's 9h45 right now.... I don't even know what I'll say to him. I must calm down, I must be nice with him....if not I could say things I'm gonna regret once I'm back to my normal self again...My contacts are bugging me, I better took them off....Ahhh so much better! I'm sure everything's gonna get back to normal once I get some sleep. It's only logical. Anyway, I'm rambling. Good night!
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