2002-06-09 Crap on toast I feel like crap I -again- have gone totally crazy this afternoon telling Nic that I don't want to see him anymore, and of course I started crying so I couldn't explain what I meant. I know I have to make a decision, I have to make a choice. But I know that either choice I make is not gonna make me happier than the other...Let's examine this again: 1. I stop seeing him: This should sound like the most sane way to act for me. But, if I stop seeing him, I won't be happier, I mean I do like him really as a friend, so I am loosing my best friend, and the person who means the most for me. We're always together! Talk about giving up cold turkey! I'm not ready to let himleave my life entirely. We made lots of plans for this summer, we have lots of things to do together, and I know that even if I do stop seeing him, and talking to him, that won't make me forget all about him. I will still hope something happens, I will wait for his calls, I will want him to write me letters...I will become obsessed! 2. I continue to see him. This is easier of course, nothing has to change. And I really love being with him, I need to see him. But, there would always be the fear, the hopes. I would always be suffering from the lack of love. Not that I always suffer from that, just sometimes...And what if he meet someone? This would be the worst! Anyway, I just don't know what to do anymore...And to think that maybe none of this would have happen if this werent my godson birthday next week..Not that is his fault, but I was supposed to go to TR next week end but my brother decided to throw his birthday party next saturday...So I'm staying here, and Nic invited some other friends to T-R when I told him I couldn't come...That's when I begin with all the "we should stop seeing each other" crap. Am I an idiot or is this just PMS? This could be the reason... >:|
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